the best of us can find happiness in misery (utterbasketcase) wrote,
the best of us can find happiness in misery

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Day 3

Day 01 - Introduction
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail

Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail

My parents were never married (to each other), but they were together for about twenty years. They started splitting up when I was about seven, but it took several years for them to actually "officially" break up.

I've always lived with my mom. We never really got along great. Somehow, she always made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that I was the lousiest person in the world. I now know that she didn't mean to make me feel that way, and it was equal parts my own insecurity, but as a kid you pretty much only think your mom doesn't like you. This was probably one of the reasons why I developed the social phobia.

My mom was always very strict with me. If I forgot to hang my coat up, I'd get yelled at. If I vacuumed the carpet, but there was still one loose hair on it, I'd get yelled at. If I dared to protest I'd get spanked. Seriously spanked. This was all after my dad left, though. I think she was taking her insecurities out on me a little bit.

I was always told how poor we were, and that she couldn't afford to heat up my room, or draw two baths, or buy my clothes in normal shops.

One winter I had one of those candle thingies in my room that had a bowl on top so you could pour water in there with some scented oil and the candle would heat it up. The water in the bowl froze solid.

Once a week, on Sundays, we would take a bath. By this, I mean she would take a bath, and then I had to take a bath in her used bath water. Why did she get to go first? Because my hair was longer.

My clothes came from one of those really cheap shops where nothing ever really fits properly. Thankfully, I never really minded much until high school, when bullies started making fun of them.

I would have understood this better if we actually had been poor, but we could always afford brand foods and shampoos and make-up. As I grew older, this made less and less sense to me. I mean, we could afford to get a new floor (the old one was just ugly, not damaged), but I couldn't get my own freaking bath water?

(As an aside, I take a bath almost every day now. I still can't get over the fact that I'm actually allowed to do that!)

As I said, it was only when I got older that I really started to realize that this wasn't normal. I think it was mainly when I started to hang out at The Ex's house. They did everything so differently!

I started having more and more arguments with my mom, and it pretty much came to a head one night when, after another fight, I wanted to go spend the night at my Ex's. While I was upstairs packing an overnight bag, she took my keys and hid them. I yelled at her to give them back, but she refused. I grabbed her purse, to see if my keys were in there, and SHE BIT ME. Yep, you read that right. I think I hit her in the leg, but for the most part I was just completely flabbergasted. That's when I realized I had to move out of there before we killed each other.

It took me a while to find an apartment, and I needed to hurry, because my mom informed me that she was moving in with her boyfriend, and that she was selling the house.

I finally found somewhere else to live, and I refused to have anything to do with my mother for two years. I only started talking to her again when I was in therapy, and they wanted me to bring my parents in for a supervised conversation.

We get along much better now, but I still don't really talk to her about money or about my childhood. Let's just say that we remember things differently and leave it at that.

My dad was never really there for me after my parents split up. I mean, when I got to see him, it was great, because he pretty much bought me anything I wanted, but I hardly ever got to see him. We only started having a real father-daughter relationship after I'd moved out of my mom's house.

We're still not exactly close, because I can't really talk to him about anything serious. He doesn't seem to understand that I can't just get over my anxiety disorder, and he likes to blame me for his mistakes quite often. He's great to just hang out or go on vacation with, though.

He's really lousy with money. He never saves any. If he has it, he spends it; if he doesn't have it, he lends it from me or someone else. He owes me 800€ right now. Don't get me wrong though, he does spend a lot of his money (when he has it) on me, and I'm very grateful for that. It's just that when he owes me money, he'll say something like, "oh, but I bought you that camera last year, so we're even." Um, I never made you buy me that camera. I said I wanted a camera (conversationally), and you went and bought me one. I thought it was a gift, and not something that I had to pay you back for.

Also, he often promises to do things for me, and then either never does them, or makes me wait for months, sometimes years on end before he does them.

He's also always at least ten minutes late. Sometimes he says he'll be here in five minutes, and it'll actually take him three hours.

And you know what? I still get along better with him than with my mom.

Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail
Tags: meme
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