the best of us can find happiness in misery (utterbasketcase) wrote,
the best of us can find happiness in misery

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Spoken fears can come true

My birthday's this Thursday. 23 already. I'm getting old. No, seriously. I'm starting to have trouble getting out of cars. I can't see in the dark anymore. I don't feel the need to memorize all my favorite band member's names and birthdays anymore. *Le sigh*

The Ex has hinted several times that as a birthday gift, he'll pay for the piercings I've wanted to get for a really long time. I want one on either side of my bottom lip, and one above my mouth, off to the side.

Yes, like Benji's. No, I'm not getting them because "OMG I WANT 2 B LIEK BENJI!!!1!!!11111!!!!!eleventyone!!!!". I saw them on him and I thought they would look neat on me.

I've wanted to get them done for over a year now, so I'm pretty sure it's really what I want. I find I'm getting really anxious about it, though. I don't really know why, because they're piercings, if you don't want them anymore, you take them out, right? Right? *Sigh*

I don't know. I know it's not the pain I'm afraid of. I mean, it can't hurt more than the one at the top of my ear. That one's still bothering me, after, like, five years. But I'm not giving in because my willpower is better than yours, you stupid piercing! Darn it!!! Uh, yeah... Ignore that.

I think maybe it's my parents' reaction that I fear. Mostly my dad's, because my mom, meh, she never agrees with anything I do anyway, and I only have to see her once a month. But my dad, well, I have to deal with him every day. And he wasn't too enthusiastic (understatement of the year) when I told him about my plans a few months ago. He doesn't know I'll probably be executing them on my birthday, though.

The thing is, he's stubborn. More stubborn than me, and that's saying a lot. He totally cut off my half-brother because of a silly argument over a car. I've been trying to get him to call Half-brother, but he refuses because he thinks it's up to Half-brother to call him. Which I know he won't do because the stubbornness really runs in the family.

Anyway, stubborn. He insisted that there was no way I was getting more metal in my face and that he would rip them out if I was stupid enough to go through with it. I mean, he wouldn't. (Would he?) But I'm afraid he'll cut me off, too. And I can't survive without his support. I mean, literally. He pays for my existence. My mom doesn't really help out. And you know, I kind of want to die, but not of starvation.

So I'm afraid. What else is new? You'd think I'd be used to it by now, what with the anxiety disorder and all. *Rolls eyes at self*

I'll see. I might chicken out after all. I'll let you know on Thursday, gentle readers.

Basket Case

(Icon by got_bored_icons)
Tags: depression, rant, the ex
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